The truth is, knowing “why” won’t keep it
from happening again and it won’t lessen your pain. Why not? Because you are
not a cheater. If you have respected the boundaries of your marriage it is
likely that you will never fully be able to comprehend why a man would go
outside the marriage for sex.
The reality is that you can’t control
what a cheater does by understanding “why” the cheater cheats. And
understanding “why” won’t lessen the pain over his betrayal.
The reason the cheater cheats is because
he has an internal character flaw that keeps him from being able to exert
self-control. He functions on the mistaken notion that going outside his
marriage will solve problems in the marriage or fulfill his needs in some way.
The men I’ve known who cheated had poor
impulse control; they allowed their emotions to dictate their behaviors. They
gave into their weaknesses instead of identifying them and trying to improve on
them. These men, when faced with marital problems or stresses in life, aren’t
able to look at a negative situation and envision a positive solution. Instead
of seeing their infidelity as contributing to or worsening their problems, they
use infidelity as a distraction to keep from dealing with their problems.
Unlike you, the cheater isn’t worried
about “why” he betrays, his concern is replacing his problems with a
distraction. In other words, he will sell you and his marriage short if it
means him not having to admit to having a problem and investing time, ego and
energy into figuring out how to deal with the problem.
Five common reasons men cheat:
1. Some men cheat because they are not
getting their needs met inside the marriage. They are under the skewed belief
that going outside the marriage is justifiable if they aren’t getting sex in
the marriage. They get their “needs” met, their marriage stays intact and they
delude themselves into believing that as long as their wife doesn’t know, no
one is being harmed. Marital problem solved… in their mind.
2. Some men have no respect for
boundaries. They know that with marriage comes certain sexual boundaries. But,
they have little guilt when it comes to stepping over those boundaries. The
more you try to explain to a cheater that he should treat you with love and
respect, the more you devalue yourself in his eyes. And, the more likely he is
to cheat again and again and again.
3. Some men like the thrill of having
something extra on the side. They don’t know how to pass up an opportunity to
get a little “thrill.” The act of cheating has more to do with the fact that
cheating is taboo than the actual act of sex.
4. Some men think they are not real men
if they turn down a sexual invitation. They define their “manhood” by how
attractive they are to the opposite sex. The more attention and propositions
they get, the more manly they feel. These men are bankrupt in the self-esteem
department.
5. Some cheat because they are hiding a
secret. For example, a man may be bisexual and hasn’t disclosed this
information to his wife. He may love his wife and want to keep his marriage
intact but will get his sexual needs met outside the marriage.
Whatever the reason, the cheater owns it.
I don’t believe in being a victim and I don’t believe in taking responsibility
for someone else’s actions. When you ask yourself “why” or put time into
understanding the reasons, you are setting yourself up for taking
responsibility for a problem that is his.
If your husband has cheated and tries to
tell you it was because there were problems in the marriage, remind him that
you were living in the same troubled marriage and chose not to cheat. A choice
he could have made himself. A choice he is responsible for, not you.
Source: WomenLifeIssues
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